Day 59, Week ? : G.A.P. Y.E.A.R.

G.A.P. Y.E.A.R. 

Growth 
And 
Pain

Year
Exploring the
Author of Life & His 
Route for me

Something like that. I'm open to suggestions, but as for now that basically would be the best acronym for "GAP YEAR". Other words I would use to describe it: difficult, challenging, stretching, humbling, tears, crying, lost, wondering, questioning purpose, loss of hope, wearisome, blessing, thanks, gratitude.

It's not done yet, but let me catch you up. Let me warn you- this is a long post. I would have written a couple weeks ago but I had no reflection or hope because I couldn't see past my circumstances.

I like sharing stories of my life along with the challenges I'm going through with people. Not because I think my life is so fantastic, it's not. Unless, you think that cleaning four toilets in 3 days is crazy. I share openly about my life because of the people who have shared their stories about their life to me. It's because of these people, I have been challenged to live more radically for Christ. Honestly, I'm so thankful for the loving people that have poured into my life and openly share their pains, joys, struggles, and opinions with me. If I've learned anything more profoundly about myself this year it's this: I'm a sinner. I am selfish, I mis-communicate (a lot), I've offended people, I've hurt people's feelings, sometimes I live as if God isn't right with me, I boast, I seek things for myself, I don't always trust...I could go on.

Truth is, I thought of myself as a pretty good girl in life up until this last September. I kept rules, people gave me affirmation, I never found myself in conflicts. I knew I had problems...I just wasn't so sure what they were. Then life got crazy. I learned I didn't belong in the suburbs, I discovered I was introverted while living in one of the busiest and most chaotic parts of the city, I've been trying to be an adult but discovered that cubical business woman is not the life for me.  I actually missed North MPLS.  My bike got stolen, I got a bad cold and had to take time off from volunteering and working, and my roommate was often gone.  I then got the flu and took more time off of volunteering and working, people questioned why I wasn't in school, I hated when people asked what I "do", I got in several teary eyed conversations with some of the people I care most about in this life.  I lost purpose, direction, and started loosing hope.

My grandma, is a powerful women. She makes bread and jam. She sews quilts and pillowcases. She is a loving and supportive wife to her husband, leads a Bible study at her church, and most importantly she is enamored with Jesus. She is a major role model in my life. When she found out that my bike was stolen, she wrote me a letter. She wrote that she was praying that I would forgive the people who stole my bike and that I would pray for them and asked that I'd even bless them. My grandma also encouraged me to trust in God's unfailing love.

A verse came to her mind when she thought of me, "wait on the Lord.." She wasn't really sure what it meant. Neither did I but as I continued though this year, I returned to this card to read the verse she wrote. Again and again I found comfort in these verses:

"I waited patiently for the Lord, he turned to me and heard my cry."- Psalms 40:1

"Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." - Psalms 27:14

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits and in his Word I put my hope." -Psalms 130:5

Trusting and waiting is hard. Especially when you don't know what you're trusting or waiting for. I asked for God to challenge me this year. I wish someone would have told me sooner that I would be crying almost daily as a result to that challenge. I felt as if everything I took pride in was gone. My team, school, small groups, health, running, family, cool job etc. Everything except for God.

Around the same time of receiving the letter,  the executive director of Venture Expeditions (the non profit I'm volunteering with) asked me how things were going for me. I told him about this year and what I wanted to get out of it. I also shared about some of the hard parts too. He said there were 4 words that came to mind when he thought about this year for me. They are: buffet, balance, obedience, and fun. 

Buffet: sample, try, and experience new things. To figure out what energizes me and what I'm really passionate about.

Balance: be mindful of what I could handle and not to get burnt out and become overwhelmed.

Obedience: obeying the call of justice and the gospel that God has given me a passion and purpose in.

Fun: this was extra but true. I need to stop being so serious and have fun.

So I pressed on and really focused on what God was calling me into and wanting me to learn. I listened to more podcasts than ever, while cleaning houses and babysitting. I would read books of the Bible in one sitting and journal my prayers. I still had a looming dark cloud following me, and I gutted out almost every night, hurts, lies, and apologizes. I l I ran, I prayed, I tried, failed, and cried some more. 
earned about what justice was and how as Christians, it's our call to live towards justice.

I've knew this and I know I will continue to be retaught this, but my identity is in Christ. I know I've written about this before but how quick we are to forget! This life we live is only a wisp. It's going to be over before you know it. It's like a the actually game of Life, you know the board game. When the game is over, all it's pieces just go back into the box and get put away. No one cares if you learned a trade, went to college, got married, had kids, made the most money, had the nicest house, or best career. It just get packed up and put away and everyone is on the same page again.

This is not our life but a life that God has given to us. I can make plans, promises, expectations, hopes and dreams but all those things are just going to be packed up. They won't last. The happiness, the money, the feelings. It won't last. God's plan will last, his kingdom is never ending, his word is eternal. Following the call he has upon your life specifically won't promise you an easy life but it will promise hope. Building for God's kingdom-nothing can prevail against you. Not because of you but because of Jesus Christ.

I did learn more about my passions and have more of a general route in the direction of what I plan to "do" but we will save that for another blog post. I just wanted to encourage others and remind myself again that if we are living for ourselves, it's not worth it. Don't do it. But if we are living for God's plan, which is far beyond all we could ever dream or expect, we will be a part of something bigger than ourselves and when the box get's put away we will continue to live on.

"Whoever finds his life will lose it. Whoever loses it for my sake will find it." -Jesus.